Too Much

When I was younger I remember slime being a big hit. All the kids were obsessed with it and were constantly making more of it. Cloud slime, clear slime, butter slime, crunchy slime, and the list just goes on. I too decided to hop on the trend and made my own set of slimes. After making batches after batches of it, I remember this one event. When I stretched the slime slowly it seemed to stretch forever but when I stretched it forcefully and quickly it cut in half. At 12 years of age, I didn’t think much of it at the moment, but I was careful to not let that happen again. Now, 5 years later, that one lesson transcends itself and has spread through all aspects of my life. 

When you try too hard, too much control, too much planning, that is when things fall apart. It disrupts its natural laws. Time and time again this belief has been proven to me, from the trivial to the substantial. 

It is when I plan my day to the minute and it ends up going nothing as I wanted or when I put too much energy into an unstable friendship that I don’t want to lose but it was already at a crossroads long back. 

It is when I try to put down the first perfect stroke of paint and sometimes don’t even end up touching the canvas because I just want to get it “right”. It’s art, there wasn’t a right or wrong in the first place. 

When I thought I knew exactly how life was gonna go, where I would live, what I would do, what my day to day activities would be like was when the unexpected hit. Covid broke through and nothing was the same anymore. Schools became online, you had to wear masks, you couldn’t go out anymore. I thought, okay, this is probably it. How much more could things change right? But the kicker was yet to come.

I moved halfway across the globe. Now this change was so unexpected and too out of my control that I became numb to it. As someone who tries to control every detail in their life, I couldn’t comprehend this change. I was void of emotion. Everything I had known was changing. It has been months since this change and I still don’t know what to feel because I keep facing new changes every single day! Different ideologies, different perspectives, different priorities, different people. The things that I see and hear and feel are all different. 

I hear the clicking of the keyboard and not the clicking of pens. I see google docs and not notebooks. My clothes feel different every day instead of the familiar sensation of my uniform that I had been wearing for the past 11 years. 

Even after all this I still catch myself tempting to take over the reins, to pull on them a bit tighter.

I soon enough realized that my want to control stems from my fear of uncertainty, fear of the unknown. But the thing is things are always going to be uncertain. I can’t always have a fixed plan. Actually, I can have a plan but it need not necessarily go according to plan. I just can’t control everything. Change is inevitable. But what I can do is alter how I perceive those changes and try to make the most of the situation. 

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